|
Danny cradled Ryan in
his arms as their breathing returned to normal. Ryan's head rested on his
shoulder. Sweat dripped from his forehead onto Danny's hot skin. Danny could
still feel Ryan's cock pulsing inside of him. It felt so wonderful.
Two lovers flushed
from joining together in the most intimate of acts between two people. Danny
could feel the love he felt for Ryan beating in every thump of their hearts
where they pressed together, chest to chest. It was a perfect moment in time.
Then Ryan started
speaking and Danny's whole world came crashing down around his ears. "Danny, we
can't do this again I can't see you anymore."
"What?"
Danny whispered in shock. What did he mean they couldn't see each other anymore?
They had just had mind blowing sex, the most intense of his life. How could Ryan
want to end this?
Ryan shifted until
he was leaning up on his elbows looking down at Danny. His face was filled with
regret but there was conviction in his words. "We can't see each other anymore,
not like this."
"I don't
understand. Did… did I do something wrong?"
Ryan shook his
head. "Sam's has feelings for you. He wants you. If he found out we were seeing
each other it would crush him. I can't do that to him. I can't hurt my son like
that."
"What about me?
What about how this hurting me?" Danny cried out. This couldn't be happening.
Ryan was everything he had always wanted in his life. He thought that things
were perfect between them. They had just made love… hadn't they?
"How can you do
this now? Damn it, Ryan, you still have your cock buried in my ass. What was
this? A last fuck before you leave me?"
"Danny—"
Danny pushed
against Ryan's shoulders until he pulled out and rolled off of him. He quickly
swung his legs over the side of the bed. He rubbed at his eyes with the heels of
hands, trying to stop the flow of tears that suddenly sprung up in them.
"Danny, I'm sorry,"
Ryan whispered as he scooted to the edge of the bed to sit next to Danny.
"Please don't do
this, Ryan." Danny knew he was begging. He couldn't help himself. He loved Ryan
with everything in him. Ryan was his soul mate. Danny that the moment he first
met Ryan.
"I don't want to do
this, baby, but—"
"Then don't!" Danny
realized that he was nearly yelling at Ryan. He took several deep breaths to try
and regain control of his emotions but his heart sank even more as he watched as
Ryan stood up and began pulling his clothes on. He finally looked away, unable
to watch his lover of three months walk away from him
"Danny, you don't
understand. Sam loves you."
Danny's head
whipped up to look at Ryan. "What?"
Ryan's head dropped
to his chest, his light sandy brown hair waved around his face as he slowly
shook his head. "He told me before I even knew that you two were friends. He's
in love with you."
Ryan lifted his
head, Danny could see the pleading in Ryan's eyes for understanding. He had none
to give. "Now do you see why I can't do this?"
"No. I don't love
Sam. I love you."
"Danny—" Ryan
began.
"No!" Danny cried
out. "No, I will never love Sam, not like that. I love you."
"You could love him
if you tried."
Danny stared at
Ryan in shock, his jaw dropping open. "You want me to love Sam? What about us?"
Ryan shook his
regretfully. "There can never be an us, not now. I can't do that to Sam. You
have to understand. He's my son, Danny, the only family I have left."
"I could be your
family." Danny dreamed about it in fact. Ryan was everything Danny always
wanted. He reached out and grabbed Ryan's hands, desperate for the man t change
his mind. "We could build a family together."
"Danny—"
"Don't do this,
Ryan. Please don't do this." Danny could feel tears start to stream down his
face as he begged Ryan not to end what they had together. And he could have
cared less that he was begging. What they had together was too important to give
up without a fight. "We have something special together. Don't throw it away."
Ryan pushed Danny's
hands away and started backing across the room towards the bedroom door. "I'm
sorry, Danny."
Danny held a hand
out to Ryan in desperation. "Please, Ryan, I love you. Don't do this. Please
don't leave me," he begged. He knew he sounded pathetic. He couldn't help it.
The best thing that had ever happened to him was walking out the door. He'd do
anything, no matter how humiliating, to keep Ryan here. Pride didn't matter in
the face of losing the only man he would ever love.
"I have to, Danny."
"I love you, Ryan.
Doesn't that mean anything to you?" The hysteria Danny was feeling as his heart
broke into a million pieces started slipping through in his voice.
Ryan stood in the
doorway, staring at Danny for several long moments. He was so quiet for so long
that Danny started hoping that he had finally gotten through to the man. Maybe
Ryan would change his mind and not leave now.
Danny slowly stood
to his feet and walked over to Ryan. He reached for him, his hands holding
Ryan's face still as he started giving him quick little kisses all over. "Please
stay, Ryan."
Kiss.
"I love you."
Kiss.
"I can make you happy, Ryan."
Kiss.
"I'll do anything you want."
Ryan suddenly
grabbed Danny's hands and pushed him away so hard that Danny fell to the floor.
His beautiful face was a hardened mask of determination as he gazed down at
Danny's naked body.
"Then love my son."
Danny reached for
Ryan as he walked away. "No, Ryan… I love you… Don't… don't go…Ryan!" he wailed
as Ryan opened the front door and walked out, the door closing quietly behind
him. Danny stared at the closed door briefly before he fell to the floor,
curling into a ball, his arms wrapped tightly around his naked stomach.
This couldn't be
happening. Ryan did not just give him away to his son, Sam. It just wasn't
possible. This had to be some sort of horrible nightmare and any minute now his
alarm clock would go off and he would wake up and this will all be over.
Danny lay there,
waiting for the alarm clock to go off… any minute now… Damn! Why wasn't the
alarm going off? He needed to wake up from this horrible dream where Ryan didn't
want him…
Ryan didn't want him!
"Oh, god… Ryan,"
Danny began sobbing as reality set in. "Please don't leave me… Ryan…" he
whispered as the tears continued flowing down his face. This was really
happening. Ryan had really left him so Sam could have him. This was a living
nightmare and it was never going to end.
Danny held his arms
tight around his stomach as sobs racked his trembling body. The pain in his
chest was so intense he thought he was going to die. It hurt to breathe. It hurt
to think. It hurt to feel. It just hurt.
Ryan must have
fallen asleep because the next thing he knew the morning light shined through
the bedroom windows. He still lay on the floor, naked. Another sob started to
come from his throat as he realized that he was still alone.
And Ryan was still
gone!
Danny climbed to
his feet and went into the bathroom. He turned on the shower and climbed in. He
bowed his head and let the hot water spray on his chilled body. He was so cold,
so very cold. He didn't know if he would ever be warm again.
He washed his hair
and scrubbed his body until his skin was rubbed nearly raw. When the water began
to turn cold he finally climbed out. He slowly dried himself off and went back
to the bedroom to dress.
Danny on the side
of the bed but the site of the dried stains on the sheets from his earlier
interlude made him grimace. He quickly pulled the sheets off the bed and went to
put them in the washer.
Just before
dropping the last sheet in the washer he lifted it to his face and inhaled. He
felt a shock pain shoot through his body as Ryan's scent filled him. He held the
dirty sheet against his face for several moments, drinking in Ryan's masculine
fragrance.
He wanted to keep
the sheet, to put it away in a safe place so he could pull it out and smell Ryan
when the hurt got to be too much. He wanted just one thing to remind him when
nothing else would do.
Who was he kidding? He
wouldn't forget one damn thing about Ryan. He was ingrained on Danny's soul.
Angrily shoving the sheet into the washer, he quickly turned it on before he
could change his mind. He stood there and cried as the washer filled with water,
taking away Ryan's sweet aroma.
Walking back into the bedroom
he sat on the edge of the bed and picked up the phone. He took several deep
breaths before dialing the phone number he knew by heart. The phone was answered
on the fourth ring.
"Hey, Mom, it's Danny… can I
come home?"
Danny placed the last box in
the rental truck and closed the large metal door. Everything he owned was
sitting in this little trailer. He walked back upstairs and looked around to see
if he had missed anything. Going from room to room he looked. Nothing was left.
He closed the door
and locked it before walking downstairs and dropping the key in the manager's
lock box. That was it. His apartment was packed into the rental truck. He
cleaned the place to the best of his ability and returned the key. There was
nothing keeping him from leaving and heading home.
Nothing except the
desperate need to see Ryan one last time. No matter what Ryan said, Danny
couldn't leave without giving him one last chance to change his mind. He had to
hold onto the hope that what they had together meant something to Ryan.
Danny locked up the
rental truck and headed down the street towards Ryan's condo. It was just a few
blocks away. Within ten minutes he was walking around the corner of the bakery
across the street from Ryan's building.
His steps slowed
down as he got closer. He could see Ryan climbing out of his car in front of the
apartment. Sam was climbing out of the passenger seat. Danny watched them
talking as they walked towards the doors of the building. Ryan laughed at
something Sam said, his arm wrapping around Sam's shoulders.
Danny watched them
from his spot across the street, sliding up close to the building. He saw Ryan
and Sam paused outside of the doors, words passing between them. He couldn't
hear their words but he could see the laughter on Ryan's face. He looked happy.
That was that then.
Danny didn't know whether to laugh or to cry. Ryan was happy. Sam made Ryan
happy. Danny couldn't take that away from Ryan. He would do anything to make
Ryan happy, even let him go.
But he couldn't be with Sam
to make either of them happy. Sam didn't attract him in any way. Not like Ryan
did. But Ryan didn't want him. He wanted Danny to be with Sam. He didn't want
the love Danny had offered him.
Danny realized,
painfully, that Ryan never really returned his feelings of love. Not once did
Ryan give Danny any reason to believe that he was anything more than an easy
fuck. He had just seen more into it than was really there and just plunged ahead
without asking Ryan how he felt about it. It was a hard lesson to learn.
But now Danny knew.
He loved Ryan enough to give him up… and Ryan didn't love him at all. If he had,
Ryan would never have asked Danny to be with Sam. You didn't do that if you
loved someone.
Danny watched Ryan
until he and Sam walked into the building, knowing he would never see him again.
He was heading home to the family farm and he wasn't coming back. It hurt too
much to be here and not be able to have Ryan.
His mother would be
disappointed that he wasn't finishing school. But maybe he would… some day. Just
not right now. At least, not until Sam had graduated and moved on. Danny
couldn't attend the same school with Sam, knowing he could run into him at any
time. It was just too painful.
As the door closed
behind Ryan and Sam, Danny slowly turned away and started back for the rental
truck. The ten minutes back seemed like the longest in his life. He unlocked the
door and climbed in then sat there for awhile, his mind kind of blank fog.
Finally, with a
trembling hand he started the truck and drove into traffic. It was still early
enough in the day that he would miss most of the rush hour traffic. It shouldn't
take him more than five or six hours to reach home.
He knew eventually
he was going to have to figure out what to do with the rest of his life but for
now he just wanted to go home to the comforting arms of his mother and forget
that the last three months had ever happened.
Danny laughed
bitterly. "As if I could ever forget…"
Ryan
glanced at Sam out of the corner of his eye as he shredded cheese for the
enchiladas they were making for dinner. "How's school going?"
"Pretty good. I
have mid terms coming up in a couple of weeks so I have a lot of projects due
over the next week or so. Then there's all the studying I have to do to get
ready for exams. I really hate midterms but finals are worse." Sam laughed as he
set a bowl of diced olives on the counter.
"How's Danny?
Anything happening there?" It nearly ripped him apart to ask Sam about Danny. He
hadn't seen him in nearly a month, plenty of time for Sam and Danny to start
dating. And he had missed Danny every second of that month.
"Haven't seen him,"
Sam replied nonchalantly.
Ryan stopped
shredding cheese to look up at Sam in surprise. "You haven't seen him? Why not?
I thought you wanted to be with him?"
Sam shrugged. "I
think he dropped out of school or something. I haven't seen him in a couple of
weeks. Besides, he really wasn't my type, if you know what I mean, too much of a
keep both feet on the ground type. Now this guy Kevin I've been seeing… he's
really hot!"
Ryan stared at Sam
in shock as he went on and on about this new guy he was seeing. Danny had
dropped out of school? Sam wasn't interested in him anymore? He had given Danny
up for this?
"Wait, Sam, what do
you mean Danny dropped out of school?"
Sam looked up in
surprise. "I'm not sure exactly what happened. He just stopped showing up for
class. When I found out that he had quit his job I went by his apartment. His
manager said that he had moved out. Guess he went home or something."
"Just like that?
Why? Why would he do that?" Ryan didn't know why he asked that. He knew exactly
why Danny left school, quit his job, and moved out of his apartment… because of
him and what he had asked Danny to do.
Ryan could feel his
heart shriveling up in his chest as he asked that question that he knew would
damn him for life. "I thought you wanted Danny. Didn't you tell me that you were
in love with him?"
Sam shrugged,
reaching for the tortilla shells. "Yeah, I thought I was. I mean, he's cute and
all, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that Danny just isn't
my type. I want to have fun. Danny was fun to be around but he's ready to settle
down into a committed relationship and spend the rest of his life with his soul
mate. At least that's what he told me."
"And that's a bad
thing?" It sounded ideal to Ryan.
"Hell no, it's just
not for me. I'm only twenty-two years old. I'm too young to be settling down. I
want to experience life some more before I do something like that."
Sam stopped spooning the taco
mixture into the tortilla shells and glanced up at his Dad. "You know, Dad,
Danny would be perfect for you. You're just his type. I know he's a little young
and all but he really has his head on straight." Sam laughed. "Hell, you guys
even like the same music," he said as he went back to the tortilla shells.
Ryan stared at Sam, his mouth
hanging open. Sam thought Danny would be perfect for him? He wanted to reach
over and throttle Sam. Didn't he understand that Danny had been perfect for him
and he had given him up so that Sam could have him?
Ryan carefully set the cheese
grader down on the counter and walked out of the room. His mind was reeling. He
had fucked up big time. Danny was never going to forgive him for what he had
done. He walked into the living room and sat down on the couch, his head cradled
in his hands. How could he have been so stupid?
As Ryan remembered the
tormented look on Danny's face as he left, he felt tears begin in his eyes.
Danny had begged him not to go. He had pleaded, saying he loved him. And Ryan
and thrown it all away… and for what?
Sam hadn't really cared about
Danny. He wasn't even worried that Danny had dropped out of school and had moved
out of his apartment. All he could think about was some new guy he was seeing.
"Hey, Dad, you okay?" Sam
asked from the entryway to the living room.
"I thought you loved him,
Sam," Ryan whispered. "I really thought you loved him."
"Who?" Sam asked curiously as
he walked farther into the room.
"Danny, damn it! God, can't
you even remember who you fall in love with?" Ryan asked as he looked up at Sam.
He knew some of the anger he was feeling was showing on his face as Sam took a
couple of steps back.
"Dad, what's going on? Since
when have you cared about who I was seeing?"
Ryan jumped to his feet and
began pacing around the room, his hands running hastily through his sandy brown
curls.
"Fuck, Sam, don't you get it?
Danny and I were seeing each other. We'd been seeing each other for several
weeks. We were perfect for each other. And then you said that you loved him
and…"
"What did you do, Dad?" Sam
asked quietly.
At first Ryan didn't say
anything. He couldn't. He felt like his throat had closed up. It even hurt to
swallow. He walked over to look out one of the floor to ceiling windows that
overlooked the downtown area. He rested one hand on the glass, the other
clenched at his side.
"Dad…" Sam began again.
"I thought you loved him,
Sam," Ryan said quietly. "How could I be happy with Danny knowing that you cared
about him?" Sam inhaled deeply when Ryan turned around to look at him. Ryan knew
his son saw the silent tears falling down his cheeks. "I told him we couldn't be
together anymore, that he needed to be with you because you loved him. That he
needed to give you a chance. I couldn't interfere with that. Sam, you have to
understand, you're my son, the only family I have. You are the single most
important thing in my life. I couldn't be with Danny if it made you unhappy."
Sam's mouth dropped open as
he stared at his father in disbelief. "You told him that you couldn't be
together because you thought I was in love with him? You left him so he could be
with me?"
At Ryan's slight nod Sam let
out a low curse. "Oh man, you so fucked this one up, Dad. You have no idea what
you've done."
Ryan looked at Sam, suddenly
very concerned at the anxious look on Sam's face as he sat down on the edge of
the couch, his head shaking back and forth as he mumbled. "Oh fuck… oh fuck…
this is bad… this is real bad… oh fuck!"
"Sam, stop it. You're not
helping here. I know I fucked up." Ryan raked his hand through his hair an
started pacing started pacing again. "Now I just have to figure out how to fix
it."
Sam's face had a defeated
look to it as he looked up at Ryan. "Dad, I don't think you can fix this."
Ryan stopped pacing to look
at Sam. "What do you mean? What do you know that I don't?"
Sam looked down at his hands,
twisting them together anxiously.
"Samuel!" Ryan yelled as he
went to stand in front of him. "Tell me."
"I assume you were sleeping
with Danny?" Sam murmured quietly.
Ryan flinched. "Yeah, we were
sleeping together. What of it?"
Sam took a deep breath,
running his fingers through his hair. "Then he must have told you that he loved
you."
Ryan swallowed audibly.
"Yeah, he said he loved me."
"Did he say anything else?"
"Yeah," Ryan choked out. "He
said we had something special together. That he could be my family and he would
do anything for me." Ryan swallowed hard. "And then he begged me to stay."
"And you still left him?"
There were tears in Sam's eyes as he looked up at Ryan, sympathy in his eyes
when Ryan nodded. "Then it's too late, Dad."
Ryan sat down heavily on the
couch next to Sam. Neither of them said anything for a long time, each in their
own thoughts. Ryan wondered how everything could have gone so terribly wrong.
How could he have been such an idiot? If he was Danny, he wouldn't give him
another chance either.
"What aren't you telling me,
Sam?" Ryan asked quietly, breaking the deep silence in the room.
"Did Danny every tell you
about his dreams for the future?"
Ryan shook his head.
Strangely enough, they had never talked about the future, almost as if it had
been a forbidden subject.
"Danny's growing up years
were a nightmare. His father slept with anything that walked. When he wasn't
screwing around he was drinking and when he was drinking, he was usually beating
up Danny or one of his siblings or his mother."
"My god!" Ryan couldn't
imagine growing up like that.
"Yeah, but luckily for them,
the old man drove his car into a tree when Danny was about fourteen. Danny, as
the oldest had to find a job and start helping his mom out with the bills and
around the farm. That's why he's so much older than me. He couldn't go away to
college until his younger brother was old enough to help out around the farm.
That job he had at the bar? Every penny goes home to his mom. He's college
tuition, room and board are all on scholarships."
"Why are you telling me this?
What does it have to do with…"
"Just listen, Dad, please,"
Sam said as he laid his hand on Ryan's leg. "This is important."
Ryan nodded, waving his hand
for Sam to continue.
"Danny's mom is a wonderful
woman that he loves more than anything on this earth, well, except maybe you.
Anyway, when she found out that he was gay, she made him promise to wait until
he found that special someone, his soul mate, before he did anything with
anyone. She told him it would mean more if love was involved. So, he waited."
"Until me…" But that meant
that Danny had been a virgin. Ryan leaned back against the couch and pressed his
hand over the ache in his chest. Why had Danny never said anything? Why hadn't
he known?'
"Yeah, if he slept with you
it meant that he loved you and that he felt that you were his soul mate. It also
means that you were his first."
"Oh, god…"
"Oh, wait, it gets better."
Sam laughed bitterly. "Danny always had this fantasy that he would find his soul
mate and they would settle down together and live happily ever after. He wanted
to do it all… get married, have a family, build a home together… all of it, the
whole ball of wax. And he wasn't going to be with anyone until he found the
perfect man. Why do you think I lost interest in him? It was way too picturesque
for me."
"So… so, when I sent him
away…"
"Yeah, Dad, you royally
fucked up. If he was sleeping with you and telling you that he loved you, he'd
already committed himself to you. He would have spent the rest of his life with
you, doing everything he could to make you happy, building a home with you, and
raising lots of little Danny's."
"Oh, man…" Ryan rubbed his
hand down his face. Sam was right. He had royally fucked up. There was no way to
fix this. Danny begged him not to leave and he did it anyway. Danny said that
Ryan would be throwing away something special and he was right.
How was Ryan supposed to
know? He'd never met anyone like Danny before. He wasn't even sure there was
anyone alive like Danny. He was a joy to be around, even if they weren't having
sex. The sex was just an added bonus, a major one though.
"Dad?" Sam asked, breaking
into Ryan's deep thoughts.
"Uh… look, Sam, do you mind
if we have dinner some other time? I have some thinking to do."
"No, that's fine. Just call
me, okay?" he asked anxiously.
"Yeah, sure. I'll call you.
Maybe we can have dinner in a couple of days or something. Right now I just need
to figure some things out."
Sam stood up and walked
towards the front door, looking back at his father one last time. He was worried
about him. Ryan was still sitting on the couch staring off into space, his
shoulders slumped, his eyes filled with tears.
He shook his head as he
closed the door behind him. He just couldn't believe how stupid some people
were. His Dad was at the top of the list. To have the world in the palm of his
hands and throw it away? How stupid could he be?
"Hello, Danny."
Danny tossed the hay bale in
his hands up onto the stack before him before setting his hay hooks down and
turning to the man standing behind him.
"Sam," he nodded.
"Can I talk to you?" Sam asked.
Danny pulled his gloves off and stuck them in
his back pocket then jumped down from the truck bed he was working on and
reached into the cab for a bottle of water. Danny watched Sam over the top of
the bottle as he took a long sip. He tightened the lid back on and set the
bottle back into the truck through the open window.
"What do you want, Sam?"
Sam stuck his hands in his pockets, kicking at
some loose hay on the floor. He looked nervous to Danny. He wondered if Sam had
come to the farm to make a play for him. That's just what he needed… a lovesick
college boy.
"Sam?"
Sam looked hesitant as he looked up at Danny. "I
need to talk to you about Dad."
"No," Danny stated firmly as he pulled the
gloves back out of his pocket and started to put them back on. He started to
climb back up into the truck when a hand on his shoulder stopped him.
"Please, Danny, it's important."
Danny bowed his head and rested it against his
hands where they gripped the edge of the truck. "I'm not going out with you,
Sam."
"Good god, I hope not." Sam laughed. "Cause…
eeeww!"
Danny looked over at Sam sharply, one eyebrow
raised.
"Okay, look, I'm just going to put all of my
cards on the table. I know. Dad told me everything. Yes, I had a thing for you.
Can you blame me? You're hot! But it was never anything serious. I told Dad that
I had a thing for you but I had no idea that you two were seeing each other at
the time or that he would break things off so that I could have you."
It was all Danny could do to nod. Just talking
about it brought back all of the pain of losing Ryan to the surface again. He
worked so hard to bury everything, to not hurt on a second by second basis. Why
was Sam bringing it all back?
"Why are you telling me this, Sam?" he
whispered. "Why are you bringing all of this back up? It's over."
"That's just it, Danny, it's not over," Sam
said. "Dad's a basket case. He won't eat. He won't sleep. Hell, half the time
I'm not even sure he knows what day is it. I'm worried about him, Danny."
Danny squeezed his eyes shut at the picture Sam
painted for him. He took several deep breaths as he tried to bury his misery
back under a frozen heart. Opening his eyes he looked Sam calmly in the face.
"That has nothing to do with me anymore."
"It has everything to do with you, Danny. He
needs you. He loves you."
Danny pushed Sam's hands off his shoulder and
stalked away. He stopped just inside of the barn doors. One hand on his hip, the
other rubbed over his face. He finally turned to look back at Sam.
"You don't throw someone away if you love them,
Sam. You don't…" He took a deep breath. "You just don't."
Sam watched Danny walked away, his shoulders
slumped. This was going to be a lot harder than he thought. Danny was really
hurt. Man, his Dad sure screwed things up. Sam was beginning to wonder if there
was a way out of this for him.
"Well?"
Sam turned from watching Danny walk away when he
heard the soft voice behind him. He found Danny's mother, Margaret, standing
behind him, also watching Danny. He shook his head.
"No, he refuses to talk about Dad at all. I
tried to tell him how messed up Dad was but he didn't want to hear it." Sam
shrugged his shoulders. "I can't say I blame him. Dad really screwed up."
"Yes, he did but Danny loves him even if he's in
denial right now. And, after everything you told me, I believe that your father
loves Danny just as much. We just have to figure out how to get them together
long enough to beat some sense into both of them."
Sam laughed at the wicked look on Margaret's
face. She was one mom he didn't want to take on. "Just what do you have in mind,
Mrs. Fitzpatrick?"
"Come on, Dad, hurry up. We're going to be
late," Sam yelled up to his father.
"Yeah,
yeah, I'm coming. Keep your panties on," Ryan yelled back as he walked down the
stairs to join Sam. He glanced down at his outfit. "Is this okay?" he asked,
referring to the simple faded jeans and baby blue button down shirt he wore.
"Geez,
we're not talking the Taj Mahal here, Dad. It's just dinner."
Ryan
looked down at his outfit again. "Yeah, right, maybe I should go change." Ryan
started to turn up the stairs when Sam's hostile voice called out.
"Take one
step up those stairs and I will not be responsible for what happens."
"Okay, okay, I get the point. Let's go." Ryan
laughed as he turned to follow Sam out the front door. Geez, when had Sam gotten
so forceful? His mother would be so proud.
Ryan climbed into the passenger seat of Sam's
car and closed the door as Sam started it up and drove into traffic. He looked
over at Sam. "So, where is this place we're going?"
"It's down south a little ways. You'll love it.
I've eaten there before. It was great. Real authentic Irish home cooked food.
Now, just sit back and enjoy the ride. We'll be there in a little while."
Ryan settled back in the passenger seat and
tried to look interested in the scenery shooting past him out the window. He
wasn't. Ryan couldn't remember the last thing he was interested in.
"You want some water?"
Ryan turned and smiled at his son. "Yeah, that
would be nice." He took the water Sam offered him and drank several gulps,
wishing it was scotch but Sam had hidden all of his bottles of alcohol several
days ago after finding him in a drunken stupor.
Ryan supposed he couldn't blame his son. Since
finding out about Danny, Ryan had fallen into a pit of hell and he didn't have a
clue how to climb out. Sam was worried about him, which is why Ryan agree to go
on this dinner thing with him.
Ryan yawned.
"Hey Dad, you look tired. Why don't you let your
seat back a little and close your eyes. I'll wake you when we get there. We have
a ways to go."
Ryan laughed as he covered another yawn with his
hand. "Yeah, guess I was more tired than I thought. Sure you don't mind?"
"No, it's cool. I know you haven't been getting
much sleep lately. A little rest will do you some good. Besides, we have the
rest of the evening to visit."
Ryan leaned his seat back and burrowed into the
seat to get more comfortable. A little nap could do him some good. Now, if he
could just close his eyes and not think about Danny.
Ryan
opened his eyes, realizing that he was no longer sitting in Sam's car instantly.
He was lying down on a mattress in some room. Where the hell was he? He didn't
recognize the room he was in. Sitting up on his hands he looked around the room.
It was
simply a room. No windows, wood walls and floor, two doors. One led to a small
bathroom. He assumed the other one lead out. The only items in the room were the
mattress he sat on and a cooler sitting in the corner. There was nothing else in
the room. Not even blankets. Nothing except the man sleeping on his stomach next
to him on the mattress.
"Sweet
hell," Ryan whispered as he realized two things at the same time. One, the man
sleeping next to him was Danny. Two, they were both naked as jay birds. Oh, this
was not good, not good at all. Ryan was going to strangle Sam when he got his
hands on him.
Ryan
stood up and went to the door. Damn! It was locked. He pulled on it several
times trying to force it open. No go. It was locked tight. No open door, no
windows. They were stuck. Oh yeah, he was going to kill Sam.
"Danny!
Danny, wake up!" Ryan sat down next to Danny reached shook his shoulder. He
briefly savored the feel of Danny's soft skin under his fingers. "Come on, baby,
open your eyes."
As soon
as Danny began to stir, Ryan scooted back until he was leaning back against the
wooden wall behind him, his knees drawn up to his chest, arms wrapped around his
shins. He rested his chin on his knees and watched as Danny began to move.
Ryan
almost groaned when Danny rolled over and he got a good view of his
considerable… attributes. He could feel himself instantly harden at the
beautiful sight before him. All muscle and smooth skin. Danny looked delicious.
Danny
wiped a hand over his face, rubbing away the sleep in his eyes. He lowered his
hand to his side and looked around the room. He looked confused until his eyes
landed on Ryan leaning against the wall.
Ryan
watched the welcoming smile that lit Danny's face, wincing slightly when it
faded away to a guarded mask of indifference. Danny pushed himself into a
sitting position, covering his groin with his hands when he noticed that he was
naked.
"What's
going on?"
"You tell
me. The last thing I remember is sitting in Sam's car on my way to dinner. I
woke up here, naked, and locked in with you. Any idea where here is?"
Danny
looked around the small room briefly. "We're in the tack room at my family's
farm."
Ryan
raised his dark eyebrows in astonishment. "Isn't your farm in southern Oregon,
about 250 miles from my condo?"
Danny
nodded. "Yeah, makes you wonder who all is involved in this little fiasco." He
ran one hand through his hair, pulling on the soft black curls. "God, what were
they thinking?"
Ryan
smirked. "Maybe they thought they were helping."
Danny
looked at him astonished. "How? By locking us in a room together… naked? What?
Did they suddenly think all of this was going to go away and we were suddenly
going to start fucking like bunnies and live happily ever after? I told Sam when
he came down last week that I wouldn't discuss it with him then and I certainly
won't to discuss it with you now."
"So, when
will you discuss it with me then?"
"Has hell
frozen over yet?"
"Danny--"
"Look,
Ryan, I think everything was said when you left. You made yourself very clear.
There's nothing left to discuss."
"Danny… "
Ryan began but Danny just turned away from him and laid down on the bed. Ryan
knew Danny was doing his best to ignore him. Ryan watched Danny for what seemed
like hours. He didn't even acknowledge that Ryan existed.
Ryan
could see the subtle lift and fall of Danny's chest, the occasional hiccup in
his breathing as he silently cried. Eventually, Danny fell asleep. Once he was
positive Danny was asleep he crawled across the room to the mattress and cuddled
up behind him, wrapping an arm around Danny's waist.
He buried
his face in Danny's hair and inhaled. He smelled so good. Ryan missed him so
much, missed the morning waking up with Danny in his arms, the nights going to
sleep with him, and every second in between. Hell, he just missed him.
As Sam
had reminded him time and time again, he had been so stupid and it was obvious
that Danny wasn't going to forgive him. He didn't know what to do about it. He
had known when the words were coming out of his mouth that they were wrong but
he hadn't been able to stop himself from saying them.
He had
had this bright idea that if Danny was with Sam, at least he would still be in
his life, at least he would still be able to see him and love him from afar. He
didn't even want to think about what would go on between Danny and Sam if they
had been together.
He couldn't. Just the idea of Danny being with
someone else made him sick to his stomach. Danny belonged to him. Or, at least
he used to. Now… well, now Danny seemed to hate him. Ryan couldn't blame him. He
had done the unthinkable.
It still brought tears to his eyes every time he
pictured Danny on his knees begging him not to leave him, saying he loved him
and they could work things out. God! How could he have been so stupid? He had
had everything in the palm of his hands and had thrown it away. Danny was never
going to forgive him.
Ryan started to cry when he realized that this
would be the last time he would ever hold Danny in his arms, and it had to be
when Danny was asleep and unaware. Danny never would have allowed Ryan to hold
him if he had been awake. So this was what Ryan had reduced himself to… copping
a feel when Danny was unconscious.
When Danny started to wake, Ryan quickly pushed
himself away and began rummaging through the cooler. Well, at least they had all
of the amenities… chocolate dipped strawberries, chicken salad in pita bread,
and two bottles of red wine. Whoever locked them even included plates, cups, and
napkins.
As Danny started to come around and sit up, Ryan
occupied himself with preparing two plates of food and two glasses of wine. He
even added a couple of strawberries to each plate. Danny didn't say anything as
Ryan handed him a plate, just began eating.
Ryan watched Danny eat from beneath his lowered
lashes. Danny was even beautiful when he ate with small delicate bites. He
didn't even drop any wine when he finished off the cup and held it out to Ryan
for more.
It didn't take them long to finish off the food,
one bottle of wine, and make serious dent in the other bottle. Ryan was actually
feeling pretty relaxed as he continued to watch Danny sitting on the mattress.
Danny's hands no longer covered his groin. Ryan
thought he would swallow his tongue when Danny's legs had fallen apart baring
him to Ryan's hungry gaze. He suddenly felt hot and achy just thinking about it.
Was it getting hot in here? Ryan felt hot.
He realized that he was hard as a rock when he
lowered his legs to stretch them out in front of him. He quickly looked up when
he heard a small whimper coming from Danny to find his cobalt blue eyes riveted
on Ryan's hard jutting cock. Danny was gazing at him like he was a buffet before
a starving man.
Ryan swallowed hard when Danny licked his lips.
His gaze never wavered from Ryan's cock. Ryan's eyes nearly bugged out of his
head when he saw Danny reach between his legs and start stroking his own hard
cock.
Ryan felt like his cock was going to explode if
he didn't do something. He parted his legs, stretching them apart until it
nearly hurt. Wrapping his hand around the stiff shaft he began slowly stroking
up, running his thumb over the top, then back down the side.
It felt good but it wasn't enough. No matter how
hard he pumped his hand, he just got more aroused. His balls were drawn up tight
against his body and aching. His nipples were so sensitive that when he brushed
them with his thumb he almost thought he would come from that alone. But nothing
happened.
Looking over at Danny he could see that he was
in the same situation. He was pulling desperately at the small silver ring in
his nipple, his hand pumping fast on his nearly red cock. His head was thrown
back on the mattress, his lower lips caught between his teeth.
Ryan didn't know what was going on but he knew
if they didn't get relief soon, one of them might get hurt. He began crawling
across the mattress towards Danny, resting himself between Danny's spread legs.
Disbelief covered Danny's face as he watched
Ryan start running his hands up the inside of his calves. "Ry… Ryan… what are
you doing?" he choked out. "No, we can't do this. Ryan…" he moaned as Ryan's
mouth sank over the head of his aching cock.
"Have to," Ryan whispered around Danny's cock,
the vibrations making Danny moan even louder.
"Oh… fuck… Ryan!" Danny yelled as he began
pumping his hips against Ryan, his hands clenching in the sheets next to him. It
was unbelievable, all hot and needy. Ryan was going out of his mind listening to
Danny's cries. It had been so very long since Ryan touched Danny like this.
Ryan knew just what to do to bring Danny to the
brink of release, stop, and build him back up again. He licked and sucked, and
caressed until Danny could do nothing more than lay there, whimpering.
"Ryan… fuck… please… finish me," Danny begged as
he gripped Ryan's hair. Ryan didn't know if Danny was trying to push him away or
pull him closer.
Ryan's smile was evil as he looked up at Danny,
but he relented. Pushing Danny's legs up to his chest, Ryan grabbed the
suspicious bottle of lube he'd found in the cooler earlier. Now he knew what it
was for.
He squirted some out on his finger and pushed it
into Danny's sensitive hole. Danny's body bucked as Ryan began pumping his
finger in and out, adding a second and then a third until Danny was screaming
out Ryan's name.
Ryan suddenly sat up and knelt between Danny's
legs. He grabbed the lube and lathered it over his hard cock. Before Danny could
protest, Ryan lined his cock up with Danny's ass and thrust forwards, impaling
Danny in one thrust.
Neither of them moved for several seconds as
they relished in the feeling of being connected once again. It had only been a
few weeks but it felt like forever. At the same time it felt like they had never
been apart. It was heaven.
Ryan grabbed Danny's thighs, pressing them up to
his chest again then apart. He looked down, watching himself move in and out of
Danny's ass. He moved his hand down Danny's thigh, over his sac, to rest against
his cock as he slowly moved.
"Oh fuck, baby, that's so pretty," Ryan
whispered. Danny moaned again as Ryan caressed the soft skin below his sac.
"Harder," Danny begged.
Ryan leaned into Danny as his hips began moving
faster and faster until his was nearly pushing Danny up the mattress. When
Danny's legs wrapped around his hips Ryan brought his hands up and cupped his
face, holding him in place for his lips.
Danny began moaning again, over and over, until
it was just one long wail. His nails dug into the skin on Ryan's back. His hips
pushed back against Ryan's. The friction of his cock sandwiched between them was
driving him wild. Ryan was hitting his sweet spot on every thrust.
The combination of stimulation had Danny arching
his head back as he cried out hoarsely. His cock pulsed as he shot between their
bodies.
The tightening of Danny's muscles around Ryan's
pounding cock had him groaning as he sank his teeth into Danny's shoulder.
Another thrust and his felt himself explode, filling Danny to the brim until he
collapsed down on Danny.
Ryan's breathing was ragged. His mind was in
turmoil as he realized what had just happened. What had just happened?
Ryan pushed up on his arms to look down at
Danny's flush face. His head was tilted to one side, his eyes clenched tightly
shut. He looked like he was in pain. Had he hurt Danny? Ryan would just die if
he had hurt Danny.
"Danny?" he whispered.
When Danny turned his head to look up at him,
Ryan was shocked. Danny's eyes looked dazed and hungry. Ryan groaned as Danny
started humping his hips again, his suddenly hard cock brushing against Ryan's
stomach.
"Again," he demanded.
"Danny… what… oh god…" he growled when Danny's
silky muscles tightened around his sensitive cock. He was suddenly just as
frantic as he had been moments ago, as if he had never cum seconds earlier. Ryan
grabbed Danny's legs and rolled them over until Danny was straddling him. "Ride
me, baby."
Danny's grin was impish as he planted his hands
on Ryan's chest and brought his feet up to sit on the bed next to Ryan's hips.
Then he began riding Ryan, his hips moving at lightning speed as his repeatedly
impaled himself on Ryan's steel hard cock.
As Ryan reached down and grabbed Danny's cock
and began furiously stroking his throbbing length, he thanked the powers that be
for the stamina and strength of young men. Danny's body moving over his was
heaven.
They were quicker to reach orgasm this time,
their bodies still sensitive from before. Afterwards, Danny collapsed down onto
Ryan, his breathing harsh against Ryan's neck. Ryan rubbed his hands up and down
Danny's back.
Danny whimpered when he felt Ryan harden inside
of him again, his own cock coming back to life with a vengeance. Danny lifted
his head and gave Ryan an agonized look. He winced painfully when Ryan's hips
began to move.
"Oh god… stop… sore," he whispered even as his
own hips started to move in accord with Ryan's. Ryan immediately stopped moving.
Danny looked like he was in agony.
"What is it, baby?" Ryan asked as he reached up
to caress the side of Danny's face.
"Hurts." Danny looked at Ryan desperately as he
moved his hips again, more slowly this time. "Can't stop."
Ryan made a decision in that split second that
Danny looked down at him, the agony written all over his face. He reached down
and grabbed the bottle of lube again and smoothed it over Danny's aching cock
before greasing between his own cheeks.
Pushing Danny off of him, against Danny's
protest, Ryan turned over onto his knees and presented himself to Danny. He
wasn't sure what was going on here but he had a pretty good idea.
He hadn't been this horny since he was a stupid
teenager and taken an herbal aphrodisiac as a joke. He had humped himself silly.
Both Danny and himself seemed to be aroused again almost as soon as they came.
If he was correct, someone had spiked their food.
Danny's hands landed softly on Ryan's backside.
"Ryan, what--"
"Just do it, Danny. You have to."
"But you don't--"
"I do now, Danny. Someone spiked our food. If
you don't you're going be hurting a lot more. We both are. Now, just do it."
Danny's hands began caressing Ryan as he stared
down at him. "Ryan--"
Ryan looked back over his shoulder. "Danny,
baby, it's okay, I promise." He could understand Danny's confusion. Ryan had
made it really clear in the beginning of their relationship that he didn't do
bottom. He was strictly a top.
Danny slowly reached down and began stretching
Ryan, one finger at a time. His eyes stayed on Ryan's as removed his fingers and
pushed his way inside. Oh fuck, it felt so good. Ryan hadn't known what he was
missing but this was unbelievable. No wonder Danny liked it so much.
"Ryan… fuck…" Danny's head fell back as his eyes
squeezed shut. His hands dug into Ryan's hips as he tried to get enough leverage
to start pounding into him. Holding tight to Ryan's hips, Danny started pounding
into Ryan, their hips slapping together with the force.
Ryan could hear Danny groaning behind him. He
felt the tightening of Danny's hands on his hip and it sent him over the edge.
Ryan cried out as he climaxed, spilling himself on the mattress.
Watching Ryan's arms give out and his body
collapsing on the mattress was apparently all Danny needed to trip over the top,
filling Ryan as he rasped out Ryan's name then collapsed down next to him.
Using the last of his strength Ryan grabbed some
napkins and cleaned them both off before falling down next to Danny, pulling his
body over to spoon in front of him. Exhausted, both men were asleep as soon as
they cuddled together, arms wrapped around each other.
Light was
shining through crack under the door when Danny opened his eyes next. He went to
sit up only to find Ryan's arms wrapped around him. He could feel Ryan's head
buried in his hair.
Danny
closed his eyes and relished in the feeling of Ryan's arms wrapped around him
again. He knew that when this was all over he would be alone again. He wanted
just a moment to pretend that Ryan wanted him, even if it was just sexual.
He didn't
realize he was softly caressing Ryan's arm until the man started to move. Danny
moved his hand and quickly wiped the tears from his eyes. He didn't want Ryan to
see him cry. That would just give Ryan one more reason to think he was pathetic.
As Ryan
began stretching and moving, Danny pulled away to roll to the other side of the
mattress. He pushed his legs over the side and sat up. He could hear Ryan moving
behind him. He jerked away when Ryan stroked his hand down his back,
"Don't,"
he exclaimed as he jumped to his feet. He paced in front of the mattress before
walking to the wall and sliding down to sit on the floor. He wrapped his hands
around his knees and laid his head down on them, refusing to look at Ryan's
beautiful naked body.
"Danny,
we need to talk."
"No, we
don't!" Danny shook his head, refusing to lift it from his knees. "We have
nothing to say to each other."
"Don't
we? We just fucked each other into unconsciousness, Danny. You don't think we
need to talk about that?"
Danny
finally looked up to glare at Ryan. "Well, I'm so sorry. The next time I eat
something that's been spiked I'll be sure to fuck someone else. Hell, maybe Sam
will be available and I can fuck him. Wouldn't that make you happy?" he yelled
sarcastically.
Ryan
winced. Danny couldn't help the venom and pain in his voice. He was really
angry, which seemed to be better than the all consuming heartache he felt for
the last several weeks.
"Danny, please… "
"We have
nothing to say to each other, Ryan," Danny repeated.
"Fine,
then I'll talk."
"And what
are you going to tell me?" Danny yelled. "That you don't want me? That you don't
love me? That you want me fuck your son? Been there, done that, bought the damn
tshirt."
"Danny,
you're not helping here."
"Do you
honestly think I give a fuck, Ryan? You threw me away like I was a piece of
garbage. We had something together, som--" Danny cleared his throat, his voice
low as he began to speak again. "We had something wonderful together, Ryan, and
you decided that it was more important for me to be with your son. What else is
there to say? Do you want to tell me again how little I mean to you, because
believe me, I got the picture loud and clear."
"It wasn't like that, Danny,"
"Then how was it, Ryan? You tell me, how was it?
Did I misunderstand you when you told me that I needed to be with Sam? Or maybe
it was when you were telling me that I would never be a part of your family? No?
How about when you walked out on me when I told you that I loved you, like it
didn't matter? Tell me, Ryan."
Ryan covered his face with trembling hands. "I'm
sorry, Danny. I really never meant to hurt you."
"Well, you did and I'm never going to forgive
you for it," Danny replied. He watched Ryan from across the room as his hands
dropped back down to his lap. He had tears in his tormented eyes as he looked at
Danny.
"I know," he whispered quietly. He looked so
sad. Danny watched as Ryan leaned his head back against the wall and stared off
into space. He looked… dejected, like his life was over. Danny didn't know what
to think.
"Why did you do it, Ryan? Did you really think I
would just go from you to Sam with a smile on my face?"
"No, of course not. I just--" Ryan twisted his
hands together.
"Just what?" Danny demanded harshly.
"Oh hell, Danny, I don't know what I was
thinking. Sam and I have never been particularly close. You know that. But for
the first time we were starting to connect. All I could see was him pulling away
from me. I didn't… I couldn't consider anything else."
The sarcasm was dripping from Danny's voice as
he replied. "Well, that much is obvious."
"If I
could go back and undue everything I did, everything I said to you, I would. But
I can't," Ryan said.
"And what
part would you change? The part where you're pimping me out to Sam or the part
where you don't love me?"
"I do
love you, Danny," Ryan cried out as he stood up.
"Bullshit!" Danny yelled as he jumped to his feet to stalk across the room to
stand in front of Ryan, glaring down at him. "You don't walk away from someone
you love."
"You do
if you've never been in love before and don't know it until it's too late," Ryan
whispered. He looked at Danny, the anguish in his eyes clear for Danny to see as
he continued. "I didn't know, Danny. I swear… I… I didn't know. I knew I cared
about you but I didn't know I would have this big aching hole in my chest when
you were gone. You're all I can think about. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I can't
do anything."
"What am I supposed to do about that?" Danny
took a couple of steps back, sitting down heavily on the mattress, his hands
twisting together anxiously.
Ryan fell to his knees at Danny's feet, his
hands grasping Danny's hands in his. "Give me another chance, Danny."
Danny pulled his hands away from Ryan's,
wrapping them around his stomach. "I don't know if I can, Ryan. I gave you my
heart once and you tore it to pieces. I don't know if I can give it to you
again."
"Have you…
have you stopped loving me?"
"I don't
know, Ryan."
Ryan
closed his eyes as his head dropped down. He didn't want Danny to see the tears
in them. Gathering together more strength of will than he ever thought he had,
Ryan gently rubbed his hand down Danny's arm, knowing that this time it was
over.
"Okay,
Danny," he murmured through the thick lump in his throat. He stood to his feet
and walked over to sit in one of the corners, his back against one wall, his
head leaning against the other. He wrapped his arms tightly around his legs. He
kept his eyes closed.
Ryan
wanted to cry, to scream out his sorrow. But he wouldn't do that to Danny. If he
couldn't earn Danny's love the right way, he didn't want to guilt it out of him.
He had already hurt Danny enough. It was time to let him go.
"The
mattress is a lot more comfortable, you know," Danny said after several moments
of silence.
Ryan
turned his head to look at Danny, trying to be sincere with the small smile on
his face. "I'm fine right here."
Danny
was silent for several moments before lying down on the mattress. "I'm cold,
Ryan," he pleaded softly.
Without
saying a single word Ryan stood up and walked over to the mattress, lying down
to spoon himself behind Danny, wrapping and arm around him and pulling him back
against his warm chest.
He rubbed gentle circles on Danny's chest until
he heard the soft sound of his snoring. Once he was completely sure that Danny
was asleep he pulled his arm away and rolled off of the mattress.
Carefully standing up so he wouldn't awaken
Danny, Ryan walked into the bathroom and shut the door behind him, sliding down
the wall until he was sitting on the floor beside the toilet. Shoving his hand
into his mouth to muffle the noise, he finally let the tears fall.
Danny didn't love him anymore. It was nothing he
didn't deserve. He had done it to himself. He had the perfect love in the palm
of his hands and he had thrown it away. Just like Danny had said.
Ryan knew he would never love anyone again. No
matter where Danny went, what Danny did, or who Danny was with, he would always
have Ryan's heart, even if Danny didn't want it anymore.
The soft knock at the bathroom door had Ryan
nearly jumping out of his skin. "Ryan? Are you okay?"
Ryan stretched his legs across the small room
and pushed on the door, keeping it closed with his feet as Danny tried to open
it. He quickly wiped his cheeks with his hands, clearing the tears from his
face.
"Ryan?" Danny asked again.
"I'm fine, Danny. Go back to bed." Please,
Danny, go back to bed! Ryan begged him silently, more tears falling down his
face. Would it always be like this? Would just the sound of Danny's sweet voice
bring him to tears?
"Then open the door," Danny demanded, pushing
against the door.
"Danny—"
"Please, Ryan."
Oh god, he had to use that word. Please… it was
the most dangerous word in the world to Ryan because he knew he would do
whatever Danny wanted when he said it. Ryan slowly pulled his feet away from the
door, allowing Danny to open it. He kept his head lowered as Danny walked into
the small space. He could just make out his legs in front of him in the dim
light.
"Ryan? Why are you sitting in here in the dark?"
When Ryan didn't answer him, Danny squatted down in front of him. "Ryan?"
"Go back in the other room, Danny," Ryan
whispered.
Danny asked incredulous as he stared at Ryan's
bent head, his heaving shoulders.
"Please, Danny," Ryan begged. The nearness of
Danny, the sweet smell of his body, the touch of his hand on his shoulder... it
was all too much for Ryan. He could feel more tears making a path down his face
as sobs tried to break free from his chest.
Danny put his hand under Ryan's chin and lifted
his face, inhaling deeply when he saw the tears streaming down his strong face.
Ryan knew his eyes were puffy from crying. He probably looked like hell. He
certainly felt like it.
"Why are you crying?"
"It doesn't matter, Danny." Ryan had to get
Danny out of there before he completely lost it. "Just go back into the other
room. I'll be out in a few minutes."
"It does matter, Ryan. Tell me why you're
crying."
Ryan's eyes were filled with anguish as he
looked into Danny's concerned ones. How could he tell Danny that he was crying
because his life was over, that he couldn't feel the beat of his heart in his
chest anymore because it beat only for Danny, and Danny didn't want it.
"I just—"
"Just what, Ryan?" Danny encouraged softly.
"Please don't make me tell you," Ryan pleaded.
Danny sat down on the floor between Ryan's legs,
his hand reaching up to gently caress the side of Ryan's face. "Tell me."
Ryan turned his face into Danny's hand, the soft
touch of the man's hand sending an aching need throughout his body. If Danny
needed to hear him bare his soul, he would do it. He would do whatever Danny
wanted, if only he would never stop touching him.
"I'm so sorry, Danny." He leaned his head back
against the wall, laughing bitterly. "You can't even imagine how sorry I am. I
tried to do the right thing but instead, I destroyed something precious, and I
know I'll never have a chance like that again."
"Oh, Ryan—" Danny began.
"Don't please. I know it's over. I know you
don't love me anymore, that I dest -- that I destroyed anything you ever felt
for me." Ryan felt more tears slide down his face as he exposed his soul to
Danny. "I know… I know what I did and I really am sorry, Danny. Just please…
please don't hate me."
"Hell, Ryan, I don't hate you. I could never
hate you."
Ryan didn't realize until Danny said the words
how much he had actually been afraid that Danny did hate him. It wasn't the same
as Danny loving him but it did enable Ryan to breathe again.
"Thank you," he whispered after a moment,
grabbing Danny's hand and giving it a small squeeze before letting it go.
Silence and Ryan's occasional sniffle filled the small room for several moments.
Danny was the first to speak, his words soft and
quiet in the silence of the room but to Ryan they were as loud as anything he
had ever heard. "I never stopped loving you, Ryan."
Ryan exhaled deeply at Danny's comment, the air
in his lungs coming out in a low, tortured sob. Tears blinded his eyes and
choked his voice as he cried desperately, "Oh god, Danny."
"I will always love you. There is nothing you
can do that will change that. I just don't know if I can trust you."
Hot tears rolled down Ryan's cheeks as he gazed
at Danny. "Tell me what to do. I'll do anything, Danny."
Danny was silent for several moments, so silent
that Ryan thought he Danny was trying to think of a way to let him down easy, to
tell him that he could never trust him again and that it was too late.
"Tell me why you were in here, Ryan," Danny
finally said.
Ryan stared at Danny in shock. Danny wanted to
know why he was in the bathroom crying? But… why? What did that have to do with
anything? It didn't make sense, none of this made sense.
"I knew that things were finally over between
us, that you didn't lo -- love me anymore. And I couldn't keep it in. It was
just too much." Ryan wiped his hand down his face to wipe away some of the
tears. "You didn't do any of this, Danny. I know that. You loved me and I
didn't… I didn't do a very good job of loving you back. So, I came in here so
that you wouldn't hear me. I didn't want you to feel bad."
"You came in here to cry so that I wouldn't feel
bad?" Danny asked skeptically.
Ryan nodded.
"My mother once told me that I would find that
special someone to love, my soul mate, if I just looked hard enough. There was
someone made for each one of us. I just had to take the time to find him. When I
met you, I knew she was right."
Ryan started crying silently at Danny's words.
If Danny was bound and determined to rip his heart out, Ryan knew he would do
nothing to stop him. He had done it to Danny.
"There was something else she told me too, about
how I would know that I had met my special someone."
"What was that?" Ryan asked.
"Do you know that the day I moved away I came by
your condo to see you? I wanted to see you just one more time." Danny shrugged.
"I don't know, maybe I thought I could convince you to be with me again."
"Danny—"
"But when I got there, you were just getting
home with Sam. You had your arm around his shoulders, laughing at something he
was saying to you. You looked so happy. That's all I wanted… for you to be
happy. So, I turned away and left."
"Why are you telling me this? I already know how
badly I fucked up. I—" Ryan cried out. But Danny just continued as if hadn't
said a word.
"My Mom told me that I would know that I had met
my soul mate when his happiness meant more to me than my own, that I would do
anything to make him happy, even give him up."
Danny grabbed Ryan's face with his hands,
looking deep into his eyes. Ryan was shocked to see a glimmer of tears in them.
He reached over and wiped one away, feeling an answering trail down his own
cheek.
"Even if meant going into the bathroom to cry by
myself so that the man I loved didn't hear me and feel bad because of it. That's
what you do when you love someone, Ryan. You make them more important than you."
"I do love you, Danny, I swear I do."
"I know," Danny whispered as he leaned in and
kissed Ryan gently on the lips. "I love you too."
Sam opened the tack room door slowly when he
didn't hear anything coming from the small room. Peaking inside he spotted two
figures sleeping together on the bed. His Dad was curled behind Danny, an arm
wrapped around his waist.
That
didn't surprise him. He figured when Mrs. Fitzpatrick spiked their food that it
would lead to a little action on the mattress. What surprised him was the deep
smile on his Dad's face and the way that Danny was curled into him, his face
buried in Ryan's neck.
As
quietly as he could Sam set the box of clothes down on the floor and closed the
door behind him, leaving it unlocked this time. Hopefully, two days of being
locked up together would have given them time to work things out.
He walked
back into the house and climbed into his own bed, smiling into the darkness. He
couldn't wait to see his Dad. He only hoped that he and Danny had worked things
out and his Dad would still be smiling come morning.
Mrs.
Fitzpatrick set another cup of coffee in front of Sam. "How long ago did you say
you left them their clothes?"
Sam
looked at the clock on the wall. "Around five this morning. They should have
been here by now. You think we should go check on them?"
Mrs.
Fitzpatrick glanced at the clock. It was coming up on 11:00am. "Yes, we'd
better. I hope they haven't killed each other yet."
Sam
walked outside to the barn with Mrs. Fitzpatrick, crossing his fingers as they
went. They rounded the corner of the barn and came to a sudden halt. The box of
clothes that Sam had left earlier in the morning was sitting outside the door,
which was locked once again… this time from the inside.
The End
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